The Family Habitat

Start Here — The Habitat Rule

"A high-performance system cannot thrive in an incompatible environment. The system isn't failing; the habitat infrastructure is currently mismatched to its needs."

This LiveBOOK contains 10 nodes: two framing nodes (the parent, the observation phase) and the 8 Field Notes from the guide. Each node has a Principle, a Paradox, an interactive Tool you can run on your own family, and Connections to related nodes.

The One-Thing Rule still applies here: pick one node this week. Click it in the navigation bar above.

32 Unlocking Questions

Diagnose

Which Field Note's principle do I already silently agree with?
Where is the single biggest "ice" event in our week?
What does the first 30 seconds of a meltdown look like in our home?
Which "Frog signal" do I most often miss?

Schedule

When is my child most Temperate — and what do I currently schedule there?
Which task am I asking for during the Frozen window?
What "simple" request hides 10 micro-steps?
Where does forgetting happen at the same spot every day?

Sensory

What is the #1 sensory pollutant in our home?
Which room produces the most irritability?
When do I say "sit still" — and what is the body actually doing?
Could vertical or ground working solve a daily fight?

Regulation

What is my child's regulatory pulse — chew, tap, bounce, lean?
What subtle signal precedes every meltdown by 10 minutes?
When I see a Frog signal, what is my default response?
When does my child enter "the fire" — and do I protect that time?

Parent-Self (The Lead Researcher)

What does my ice look like this week?
Which recurring task is costing me disproportionate energy?
Who in my life understands ADHD — when did I last talk to them?
What grace would I extend my child that I refuse to extend to myself?

Reflect & Connect

If we only ever fixed the Ice, what would my child learn about their worth?
What was the last "fire activity" I let run long without redirecting?
Which item could move out of my child's head into the physical room?
Where in the day does momentum collapse first?
If I had to move one task by 30 minutes, which would it be?
What clothing or texture battle could I just stop fighting?
What corrective intervention could I trade for a regulatory tool?
What does our "known refuge" look like — do we have one?
What 10-minute "cockpit check" would change my mornings?
How would I describe the fire on my child's face?
What am I still doing wrong that I'm actually not doing wrong?
Which ONE node am I working this week?

Node 0 — The Lead Researcher (You)

FireIce

"You are not doing it wrong. You are doing a very hard thing with a brain that was never designed for the relentless administrative load of modern parenting."

Paradox: The same Fire that makes you a 99th-percentile caring parent is the system that drains fastest under neurotypical paperwork. Your strength is the source of your exhaustion.

Tool: Your own Fire/Ice snapshot

Today, where did you feel most lit up (your Fire)? Today, where did the administrative/emotional load hit you hardest (your Ice)?

Connects to → Field Note 8 (Caring for the Lead Researcher) · Field Note 7 (Native Flora)

Node 1 — Habitat Observation (Fire Finder / Ice Finder)

Before adjusting anything, collect baseline data. You are a field researcher, not a fixer.

Paradox: Parents are trained to intervene immediately. But the most valuable 72 hours of a habitat shift are the ones where you do nothing except watch.

Tool: Locate Fire & Ice

Fire Finder — last time your child was completely lit up, what were they doing? Ice Finder — last time they were really struggling, what was the context? What does the very first second of friction look like — before any meltdown?

Connects to → FN6 (Frog signals) · FN1 (Right Time)

Field Note 1 — The Right Time

"Friction occurs when we schedule high-demand tasks during a child's internal 'Winter' period."

Paradox: The "right time" is rarely the convenient time. The 30-minute Buffer Zone after pickup will feel like wasted time — it's the most productive shift you'll make all week.

Tool: Temperate Window Mapper

When is your child most Temperate (sharp, engaged, flexible)? When are they most Frozen (flat, rigid, low-capacity)? One hard task currently scheduled in the Frozen window:

Connects to → FN2 (Topography) · Habitat Observation

Field Note 2 — Navigating the Topography

"A multi-step demand is a high-elevation task. We re-grade the trail so the system can maintain momentum."

Paradox: What looks like defiance ("just go get your shoes!") is usually a 10-step request hidden inside a 1-sentence command. The child sees a cliff; you see a flat path.

Tool: Step Decomposer

The "simple" task your child resists most: List every micro-step out loud — one per line:

Connects to → FN3 · FN1

Field Note 3 — Building External Scaffolding

"By moving information out of their head and into the physical habitat, we prevent system collapse."

Paradox: A reminder placed "somewhere helpful" is invisible. A reminder placed at the exact point of stall — the door, the sink, the backpack — is the only one that works.

Tool: Stall-Point Locator

Where does the same forgetting happen daily? What single physical landmark could live there?

Connects to → FN2 · FN5

Field Note 4 — Creating a Regulatory Refuge

"Movement isn't a distraction — it's a biological regulatory mechanism. Blocking it increases the system's internal temperature."

Paradox: Every "sit still" you say is a corrective intervention interrupting the regulation that was already happening. The fidget is the solution, not the problem.

Tool: Regulatory Pulse Identifier

When concentrating, does your child mainly: What corrective phrase do you say in that moment?

Connects to → FN5 · FN6

Field Note 5 — Identifying Sensory Pollutants

"For a high-performance system, a sensory-heavy environment isn't just annoying — it's a constant battery drain."

Paradox: You can be a "calm" household and still be sensory-loud. The fridge hum, the overhead light, the tag inside the shirt — none feel like parenting issues, but they use 30% of available bandwidth.

Tool: Pollutant Audit

The #1 sensory offender in your home: Cheapest possible filter to try this week:

Connects to → FN4 · FN3

Field Note 6 — The Frog in the Pond (Early Indicators)

"A meltdown is a late-stage crisis. We look for 'Frog' signals to adjust the habitat before the system collapses."

Paradox: By the time it looks like a behavior problem, the window is closed. The intervention you need happens five minutes before the moment everyone else would intervene.

Tool: Signal Library

List 1–3 subtle Frog signals you notice: Your immediate dilution move (dim, quiet, remove demand):

Connects to → FN4 · Observation

Field Note 7 — Strengthening the Native Flora

"Habitat restoration isn't just removing stressors — it's nurturing native strengths to outcompete frustration."

Paradox: Most parenting advice teaches you to fight the Ice. But if you only ever fix what's broken, your child learns their worth equals their deficits. Feeding the Fire is also infrastructure — not a reward.

Tool: Fire Schedule

One Fire activity to schedule daily (not as reward — as infrastructure): The phrase you'll say to name the fire out loud:

Connects to → Lead Researcher · FN1

Field Note 8 — Caring for the Lead Researcher

"The most critical variable in any conservation project is the health of the Lead Researcher — you."

Paradox: The advice you'd give your child when they're dysregulated is exactly the advice you refuse to take yourself. The habitat collapses upward, not downward.

Tool: Parent Bottleneck Finder

One recurring task costing you disproportionate energy: Reduce / Delegate / Eliminate? One person who understands ADHD you'll talk to this week:

Connects to → Lead Researcher · FN7

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